Respected scientists from the Science Institute based in the UK have been secretly investigating why Robert Mugabe does not DIE! This came after it was made known to the public back in 1999 that Mugabe does not dye or cut his hair.
Mugabe, the famed political guru brought to Earth to wear black suits and rule with an iron fist has been the president of Zimbabwe since 1980. Many came and passed on, but Mugabe is still reigning with energy and might.
It was said in 1999 that the now 92 year old Zimbabwean president does not need to go to the gym or eat veggies to stay healthy. He was born to live forever.
People started believing this as pictures of him from the eighties and the seventies were brought forward to prove that he basically still looks the same after decades.
Billions of dollars were then invested into researching Mugabe’s condition and scientists recently came out to say that they have concluded that they could not find any sign of decay in his DNA.
They have taken DNA samples from his clothes, facecloth, toothbrush and hairbrush, and they have for years run tests but could not find any sign of mortality in the man.
People have also said that he uses his walking stick as a disguise, He does not really need it.
While we could not get a comment from the Zimbabwean government at the time of writing this satiricalpiece, Morgan Tsvangirai, Leader of the MDC however rubbished these findings, stating that Mugabe is just a man like everyone else. He also stated that Mugabe is a mortal person, not an ageless creature of smoke, silk, and sweet, sweet funk. Adding to the revelations that the 92-year-old’s body is just a collection of bones and tissues like any other.
“We have never seen anything like this. At first we could not believe it, but after running a series of tests, we then realized that Mugabe is really immortal” said Dr. Irvin Koch, the lead scientist in this research.
The research will go on until 2018 or until the program runs out of funds.
This makes it clear now that Mugabe will rule forever. We are just not sure if this is good or bad news to the people of Zimbabwe.
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- Newssa/Mzansi Satire