Kelly Khumalo has revealed that she nearly turned back to drugs to help her cope after the death of Senzo Meyiwa.

Kelly was dating Senzo at the time of his death in October last year (read more about that here), and his death hit the songbird hard, with friends fearing she might relapse to an old drug addiction to help her cope.

Kelly was once again dragged into the Senzo Meyiwa murder case this week, with reports that a police investigator suggested she be arrested over the footballer’s death.

Now, in a revealing interview, Kelly reveals that she battled the temptation to turn to drugs, to help her with deal with the dark emotions she felt in the weeks after Senzo’s death.

“I thought I needed something to numb the pain,” she says of the incident. “But what surprised me was that nothing in my mind or body had the craving.”

She says that she soon realised that relapsing would postpone her recovery and she was intent on staying sober, even though the world wanted her to fall.

“I stayed away from social networks. I knew I was going to be called names and be hated by people who have never even heard of me,” she told the mag. “I felt like journalists had been waiting for something like this to happen so they can feast on me. I was also a victim that day,” she later added.

Kelly also explained what really transpired when the nation’s favourite goalkeeper was shot and killed.

“My kids were both there when Senzo was killed, and I know that one days they will have questions. Christian used to ask what happened, but now he doesn’t anymore. He was very close to Senzo. In fact, after Senzo was shot, Christian was pulling his hand – I think trying to save him, in a way. Thingo always says: “Daddy, daddy”. Everyday she looks at a photo of him in the house. Not so long ago, she took out her dad’s medal from the drawer and wore it around her neck. SHe had it on the whole day.I don’t know, but it’s like she sees him,” she said.

Kelly also said it had become the norm for Senzo to attend her shows.

“That Sunday morning of the shooting, I had a show in Soweto, and Senzo came with me. We were so happy on that day. We got to Dorothy Nyembe Park and Senzo did something he had never done before. He stood right in front of the stage and watched my ever move, smiling. I couldn’t miss him. I thought aboutr how everything had worked out, and all the drama we had experienced throughout the relationship was behind us. There was still talk about us, but as far as we were concerned, we knew our truth.

“After the show, we picked up Senzo’s friend who had just arrived from KwaZulu-Natal and we went to my mother’s house in Voslloorus for dinner. We often did that. On the way, he kept blowing kisses at me, telling me he loved me. We then strolled hand-in-hand to the spaza shop like teenagers before returning to the house, chatting and giggling, without a care in the world,” said the Asine hitmaker.

That was the last walk they would take together. Kelly however doesn’t want to rehash the finer details of what really transpired in her home that terrible evening. Everything else she could reveal, but not how Senzo was shot dead, by who and how exactly.

“Everything is still under investigation, as you know. He had been shot and we needed to get him to the hospital. After struggling to get Senzo into the car, my sister, Zandi sat with him in the back, doing everything she could to make sure he didn;t close his eyes, telling him how much he was loved. The drive felt like an eternity. My mom was praying for his life in the passenger seat.

“When we got to the hospital, he was immediately rushed to the trauma unity, but later lost the battle. The doctors did everything they could to revive him. At some point, I left the room, begging God to spare his life. While I was praying, I heard my mom and sister screaming at the top of their lungs. The screams rang through my ears and pierced deep into a place I can never describe. For a moment, I was not myself anymore. I jumped up and rushed towards the screams, with nothing but fear and hollowness inside of me.

“I asked everyone in the room to give me a moment to say goodbye. I have never felt more pain in my life. If I could have done more to try save him, Lord knows I would have,” she said.

The days that followed were intense, highly charged. Getting into the house she had shared with Senzo was, to say the least a mission. At the gate there were fleet of cars filled with friends wanting to console her and journalists wanting the scoop. Cameras flashed from the top of the construction site next door. It was all very uncomfortable. Everyone wanted to know how Senzo had been killed and neither Kelly nor her family were saying anything, even to close friends.

“I felt like the journalists had been waiting for something like this to happen so that they could feast on me. I was also a victim that day. If I was the terrible person they were accusing me of being, what kind of a monster would I be to do something so horrendous in front of my kids? And If I had wanted to kill Senzo, would I do it in my own house” she asked rhetorically.

“Senzo was loved and adored by my family. He was my mother’s son. They got along like a house on fire, so to suggest that I had a hand in his killing was very hurtful. What hit me the hardest was that he was gone. The person who had meant the world to me was no more, and I would never see him again. We had planned so many things, like buying a place together, travelling, starting a family, and really just doing all the things young couples do. It still kills me and it will probably torment me for the rest of my life,” she revealed.